How Books Saved Me
A few years ago, reeling from the breakdown of my marriage and an illness that left me debilitated for the best part of 6 months, I sought solace in books.
I loved reading books in my teens, but in my 20s, I lost interest, unable to finish any of the many, many books I started. My attention span just couldn’t hold the narrative. If I did finish a book, it was usually a book that didn’t really require me to hold much attention in the first place.
This time was different though. This time, I wanted to learn. I wanted to know that I was ok. That I was on a road that many women (and men) had travelled on before and that they’d survived; some had even thrived. I read about the ending of a marriage in Heartburn by Nora Ephron and a life after divorce in The Cost of Living by Deborah Levy. I wrestled with the fear and heartache of not knowing whether or not I want to have children; can I even have children?, along with Sheila Heti in Motherhood. I was reminded of my first love in Normal People by Sally Rooney - so many unexpressed feelings and repressed emotions that can lead to so much sadness.
And after I’d finished reading about relationships, I read about hope and living a life full of purpose by gurus and holocaust survivors, spiritual teachers and thought-leaders. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle; Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl; Untamed by Glennon Doyle; to name a few.
I walked into bookshops weekly and looked for books to sooth, to spiritualise, to inspire. They began to pile up on my bedside table and I’d look at them and only see possibilities. And, in those 6 months I slowly came back to myself. Not to the me of my 20s though, but a new me - or the old me before I began to walk the path that society expects. A me that was choosing a life of my own.
I clung to these words from The Cost of Living, “When a woman has to find a new way of living and breaks from the societal story that has erased her name, she is expected to be viciously self-hating, crazed with suffering, tearful with remorse. These are the jewels reserved for her in the patriarchy’s crown, always there for the taking. There are plenty of tears, but it is better to walk through black and bluish darkness than reach for those worthless jewels.” I walked through that darkness, carrying books like safety blankets.
I learned that it’s ok to be sad. To not always say I’m fine when asked and when I’m not. It’s ok to cry and to feel - that feeling is freedom. To live in the moment. To follow your instincts and listen to your gut. I learned so much that at times I dove far too deeply into myself and then I learned that sometimes you have to give the soul searching a rest and just live in the light. I learned about survival and faith and having a belief in a better world. At times I would look at my bookshelves, I still do, and think that I’m taking myself and my life far too seriously. But at the same time I look at those shelves and see a journey from the depths of despair and heartache, to hope and peace.
I learned so much in those 6 months...
THE LITTLE TRAVELLING BOOKSHOP
And I started to wonder, how can I share what I’ve learned with others? How can I help people connect more deeply with themselves and others, through books?
I decided to open a bookshop - I’m converting a vintage van into a small bookshop and unique events space where I’ll host author talks and book clubs, launches and signings. True, reading is a solitary pursuit and the feelings we get from books can often be deeply personal but sharing what we’ve felt or learned or loved or hated surely strengthens our connections with others? That’s why I think this combination of solitary and social is key. People thrive on connection after all. Real connections have been proven to make us happier and to lower stress. And I fundamentally believe that we connect more deeply with others, when we’re more connected with ourselves.
I will travel as far and as wide as I can with my bookshop. To places where people want to gather and chat or simply to sit down in a comfy chair with a good cup of coffee and read books that affirm their beliefs, or challenge their perceptions, or build their empathy. To escape and to journey to different lands and learn different perspectives. I will seek to enlighten. To recommend authors or books to people who might need them at a certain time and to place that book in their hands and feel like I may have just saved them or helped them, like I was saved. And if they’re not ready, then I will recommend something much more light hearted, because that’s ok too.
Life is a long, twisting, winding journey full of ups and downs and hills and tight bends and fast and slow and beautiful seascapes and brutalist cities. And it’s in books that I have learned that. In people’s words; in their courage to feel it all and write it anyway. Books saved me. Well the people who wrote them did. It’s in their words, their acceptance of a life less perfect, their journeys of self discovery, that helped shape who I am becoming in this next chapter of my life.